is being confrontational good

This is what I saw you do. I can take it. That is the gauge of how big a stake you have in solving the problem. Sure losing money is bad, but you can always earn it back; time on the other hand, is immutably finite. Please choose the account that's best for you. I send an e-mail and I receive a reply. Sign up to get interesting news and updates about our programs, delivered straight to your inbox. It can also be fun. Anger isn't always justified. Please choose the account that's best for you. I’ve paid full price for things that were definitely on sale because I was afraid to say something. I also believe that you are the kind of person who, if you can, will try to accommodate me or, at least, be willing to join me in problem solving.”. 4 Examples of confrontational questions The list of possible confrontational questions would be endless but, the following examples should give you a good idea … I can’t manage my time? There are always certain underlying messages implied in the nonverbal components of the statements. How many of us would cower at the prospect of facing the facts or being challenged? In your opinion? This is good because confronting our negative feelings and our fear of incompetence can help us begin analysis.” ― Sherryl Kleinman, Emotions and Fieldwork. “If you were doing something that interfered with a team member’s ability to do their work, accomplish an important objective, would you want them to tell you about it?” The answer is, of course, always “yes.” That is a form of confrontation. That, of course, increases the chances that they will guess wrong. By Mark Steyn 01 November 2005 • 12:01am . Although assertiveness is often associated with aggression, an assertive personality is that of a individual who possesses a sense of confidence and self-assurance in their communication skills. You would want to know exactly what it was that you did, how that impacted my needs, and how important it is to me. Update 2: @NTA, but they waste time creating misunderstandings by speaking behind people's backs, I think being confrontational saves you a lot of time. Time is a resource more important than money. Despite popular belief, the appropriate way to deal with problems you may have with another person is to approach them directly. Sending a complete I-Message without the added assumptions and inferences is an act of respect. The good thing about being confrontative, and I believe it should be the one of the main reasons if you want to be confrontative is that, you are attacking the problem directly, decisively, and vigorously. Why is this my business? ), but make sure you only leave room for the important ones. The biggest advantage of being confrontational in times of conflict is that even if things cannot get resolved, the other person will appreciate your approach, and will most likely respect you more than they had prior. What can we do to move forward? You may unsubscribe via the link found at the bottom of every email. Are you confronting someone because they're a n00b? While confrontation bears a tricky terrain, here are some of the reasons for how and why you should go about it. There are times when being non-confrontational is helpful, of course—for example, when you’re brokering a peace deal with terrorists or trying to calm your nap-deprived toddler in the middle of the mall—but it shouldn’t be your only way of acting towards others. 531 Stevens Ave. West, Solana Beach, CA 92075 U.S.A. They are not direct observation. I am not an angry person. Unless there’s something important at … What’s the big deal?”. There are, I believe, two basic kinds of errors that we make when confronting: we add things that are not factual or we leave out important facts. If you leave out one of these components, it leaves the receiver of the message with an incomplete understanding. When confrontation is handled correctly, it provides for more positive outcomes in our communications with others. Erik Spoelstra people-pleasing), will do nothing to resolve said contention. Or, “She is just looking for an excuse to leave early,” when it is really about not having the information she needs to complete her report. “You shouldn’t have waited so long to get started…,” or “If you were a good team player…,” or “you shouldn’t use that tone…,” are all judgments. These kinds of statements all carry the not-so-subtle message that the other person is wrong, or in extreme cases, bad. It is, of course, because of our history with confrontation, our past experiences. Neither of these definitions sounds especially ominous. Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash. Without the description of the behavior, they will often wonder, “What exactly did I do (or not do)?” Without the statement of concrete and tangible effects, they may ask, “Why are you saying this to me?” No statement of feeling and the response may be, “So? For a long time I was obsessed with being non-confrontational. I thought we got along better than that. I believe that it is my responsibility to be thorough and complete when I am the one initiating the confrontation. I’m only Confrontational if someone messes with my stuff or my Kids aka gives me a reason. A Non-Confrontational Approach People who have problems with memory, thinking and reasoning sometimes seem to react in a way that seems odd or irrational. An assertive person, like that of a confrontational person, yields a disposition commonly misconstrued by many. Being forthright proves especially advantageous in business, as transparency is often a deal-breaker between you and potential clients. But I feel guilty after every confrontation. I am a 26 yr old software professional. “Say what you mean, mean what you say”. These questions show that you are considerate of their perspective and genuinely want to resolve the issue. Pretty insulting stuff when you think about it! Gossip, intimidation, and self-victimization are not healthy means of addressing tension — and above all should be not normalized anytime soon. Please choose the account that's best for you. They may think, “Oh, he is just a little annoyed. Emails are serviced by Constant Contact. All of these statements contain guesses about things that we cannot know for certain. “Confrontation shouldn’t only be about pointing out bad behavior in order to stop it. Confrontation is good because that shows you have self respect and that you are capable of defending yourself when needed, it shows you are not a weak person. So, much for confrontation as an act of respect, at least for this man. … The person may not return my e-mail (direct observation), but any statement that I may make about their reasons for not doing so (inferences) are speculation. The “Why is this my business?” question is answered in the I-Message by the “concrete and tangible effects.” This is what I cannot do or must do as a direct result of your actions. It is an important topic in many leadership and team development workshops. But this kind of feedback, the kind that points out the effect of a person’s behavior on another’s ability to meet a need, is unique in several ways. Yes being confrontation is good provided the person is wise, intelligent and knows when to confront and when not to. The fact of the matter is, confrontation is necessary, and if done properly can dramatically increase the quality of our lives — in addition to that of our relationships. If you ever want to be taken seriously in the business world, you must master the art of confrontation. *(Hint: it really fucking isn’t). While confrontation can be a good thing, and standing up for ourselves and others is an important part of life, make sure to pick your battles wisely. We get feedback about our behavior all the time. “What gives you the right to say that I’m not a team player? We may also add judgments. Is he expecting me to be a door Mat and put up with anything and everyone? British English: confrontational ADJECTIVE. There are many reasons why this may be. Nor can you be successful as a leader if you are unwilling to give that kind of feedback to team members when their behavior interferes with your goals or the goals and objectives of the team. You need to be able to formulate a cohesive argument while also making sure to advocate on behalf of yourself and others. You cannot, of course, control how the other person will interpret your message, much less your intentions. Someone gets hurt. I ask them stuff directly. They may ask the same question over and over. Once in a while, one or two participants will tentatively put a hand up. For example, an assertive person would calmly explain to the Starbucks Barista that their order is incorrect, and would politely ask for it to be remade. Excise your inferences and assumptions. Being non-confrontational can be a good and a bad thing. The use of confrontational strategies in individual, group and family substance abuse counseling emerged through a confluence of cultural factors in U.S. history, pre-dating the development of methods for reliably evaluating the effects of such treatment. People in leadership roles understand that feedback of that sort is critically important. It establishes clear lines of thought and allows for an unequivocal dialogue to take place between yourself and the other person. I’m confused. I lean toward being non-confrontational. The truth is, simply being able to look another person in the eye and calmly communicate your concerns with them is the adult thing to do. Gordon Training has 4 LinkedIn accounts. When you confront someone, you are being honest with your feelings and allowing yourself to express vulnerability. Intellectually, most people accept the idea that confrontation can and should be a good thing, a constructive rather than a destructive act. It is important to remember … But, you can take responsibility for eliminating the most egregious errors. And these confrontations are all based on valid reasons. confrontational definition: 1. behaving in an angry or unfriendly way that is likely to cause an argument: 2. behaving in an…. An aggressive person in contrast, would grow irate at the individual, and proceed to cuss them out in full view of the entire cafe. What is this about? Will ratting out a coworker who doesn’t do their job make you appear more favorable to your boss or simply annoy them? There are few more certain ways to guarantee a defensive response from another person than to start the conversation by accusing them of deliberately interfering with your objectives or of being negligent. Period. Is being confrontational a good or a bad thing? What, then, are the facts? Is chastising your best friend for not responding to a text fast enough worth risking the integrity of a ten year friendship? I approached him during break thinking, “He must have had some similar training in the past to view confrontation as something so positive.” But no! Your time is valuable, and your happiness and well-being important. The same school of thought can be applied when we plan on discussing our true thoughts and feelings with that of another person. Let’s look at each of these separately. While celebrities may be able to get away with putting one another on blast via social media, this is not the mature way to handle yourself, especially when it comes to business. By submitting this form, you are granting: Gordon Training International, 531 Stevens Avenue West, Solana Beach, California, 92075, United States, https://gordontraining.com permission to email you. The “How important is this?” question is answered in the I-Message by a word or short phrase that describes the sender’s feelings or emotions. The inherent problem with confrontation is that it is almost always unsolicited. Gordon Training International. Gordon Training has 5 Youtube accounts. Yet, when I ask participants in leadership training that I teach, what they think of when I say the word “confront,” they reply, “fight, hurt, damage, provoke, attack” and so on. Who do you think you are to be talking about my ‘tone’?” and so on. Assertive people find a healthy balance between both passivity and aggression, never engulfing one particular entity over another. He was just using these questions to insult their intelligence in front of everyone. Address your feelings about their behavior in a civil manner — and hope that an understanding can be reached. The lie is that confrontation is mean, aggressive, and not nice. Gordon Training has 5 Twitter accounts. Communication and being able to deal with confrontation are the keys to a happier and more balanced life. He’ll get over it,” when the sender is extremely upset or angry. When you give me clear feedback about my actions, it allows me to learn and grow as a leader. They are inferences. Asking a question in a calm manner can be helpful to air things out and resolve confrontation. Is this just a minor matter or is it something I have been lying awake at night trying to sort out. By doing that, you reduce the likelihood that the other person will misinterpret your meaning. Is a coworker constantly cutting you off during a meeting? Enter your email below to receive effective, research-based communication, conflict-resolution and leadership tips each month. Please choose the account that's best for you. Confrontation need not have to be used only in conflict however, as it can also be used to request clarification on words exchanged, as well as the expectations two people may have of each other. Why Confrontation is a Good Thing! Do fight your battles, as some battles always need to be fought (equality, civil-rights, etc. As adults, confrontation is a necessary skill we must grow accustomed to. And that's good. Does an acquaintance you know through a mutual friend constantly make backhanded compliments towards you? One of the principles that we learn about feedback is that it is most effective when asked for. tags: analysis, confrontation, emotions, fear, feelings, fieldwork, help, incompetence, things. Method 1 That is, as your team leader, if I come to you and say, “Tell me when I do something that causes you a problem,” you are more likely to do so and I am more likely to listen to you when you do (This is not always true of course, but that is a topic for another article.). Calmly verbalize your grievances in private once you’ve cooled down. Without that I can get stuck repeating the same mistakes over and over. My husband says I’m confrontational. It is unasked-for feedback. The shakiness doesn't feel good both because it's physically unpleasant and also because what I'm doing is generally something I've thought through pretty … A coach-player relationship in this league often will be confrontational at times. All Rights Reserved. I pose this question. As such, having a sense of integrity in your professional demeanor — coupled with a willingness to question things — is often a breath of fresh air to prospective clients, partners, investors, and so on. The fact of the matter is, confrontation is necessary, and if done properly can dramatically increase the quality of our lives — in addition to that of our relationships. is affecting me, I will confront that person face to face. People’s level of respect for you often ends at the level of respect you have for yourself — a fact you should keep in mind the next time you ignore an off-color comment by a coworker. For some of us, being confrontational when we are feeling threatened is an almost automatic reaction. One thing that I have discovered about confrontation is that it is a form of feedback. As is often taught in leadership training and as mentioned is a couple of recent posts on Gordon Training International’s website, the I-Message does a good job of answering those questions. They may be under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or have a mental health issue. “If you were doing something that interfered with a team member’s ability to do their work, accomplish an important objective, would you want them to tell you about it?” The answer is, of course, always “yes.” That is a form of confrontation. It doesn’t take much imagination to picture a response from the other person that goes like this. In a confrontation, inferences are typically assumptions about the other person’s intentions or motives. While gossip and other forms of underhanded behavior serve their purpose in high school, once you become an adult it is your responsibility to make sure you handle conflict with maturity and integrity. You won’t survive long without knowing the consequences of your own behavior. It also should involve reasoning and sound solutions that help your… coworker reform the behavior that is causing the confrontation. Need parenting advice? For example, having the wherewithal to approach your boss about a discrepancy in your performance review shows not only courage, but an exceptional attention to detail. There are two definitions of “confront” in the dictionary: 1 – To face especially in challenge. Update: @John, I only insult people if they insult me first, otherwise, I do it intelligently. Despite how nice we are, how hard we try, or how good of a person others may lead us to believe we are — there comes a point when we crash into one another. Enter your email below to receive effective, research-based parenting tips each month. Here’s Why Confrontation Is Actually A Good Thing By Jenn Whitmer Updated September 10, 2020. Why then, is there such a stigma attached to confrontation? There is no such thing as a communication event with only a single message. O.K. Am I just a little frustrated or am I really scared about this? 3. If I am to give you unsolicited feedback about your behavior, I believe that I have the obligation to answer these questions: 1. Email: info@gordontraining.com “What is this about?” is answered by the “non-blameful description of the behavior.” This is a statement that tells the other person exactly what it is that they did or said without any inferences, judgments, or assumptions. You didn’t get up this morning hoping that someone would come to you with some information about how your behavior is interfering with their ability to do their work. Even though you may accept the idea of constructive confrontation and feedback, such messages often come with little warning. There're times when you're exhausted and all you want is just to take a well-deserved rest. What is it that we tend to leave out? I flip a light switch and the light comes on. Although many find it uncomfortable, biting our tongues for the sake of being polite or simply flashing a poker face isn’t fair to ourselves in the long run, or to the other person. You are giving another person information about how their actions impact the world. What is the connection between your actions and my ability to meet some important need of mine? As we talked I discovered that his prior job was to repossess cars. (See our Email Privacy Policy for details.) By neglecting to confront negative emotionality, you build up a subconscious resentment towards the other person, which inevitably begins to cause strain in the relationship. Leaders need to respond thoughtfully and immediately to issues that arise and that may impact business results: interpersonal conflict, performance issues, stalled team processes, poor ethics, breaches in customer service, etc. That doesn’t include screaming matches or throwing plates across the room. For some, they’ve used confrontational … The idiom “loose lips sink ships” also applies here — if you end up bitching about your boss to the wrong people, don’t be surprised if you’re cleaning out your desk Monday morning. Candor and honesty are the important currency of good … Make sure your message is complete. Did it really have to come to that?” Most of us think of confrontation as a bad thing. ‘Before & After’ Surgery Accounts Shame Women But We Can’t Look Away, 4 Misconceptions About the Meaningful Life. They may, for example have trouble making what seem like very simple decisions. Believe me, I’m aware of the fact we live an age where reality television provides one of the most dominating social scripts — and while such media can provide viable entertainment, it does not portray proper conflict resolution skills. How to learn say "no"? So statements like, “since you didn’t take the time…,” or “since you don’t care about…,” or “just because you don’t think this is important…,” all contain assumptions about the other person’s intentions and motives. That is a universal. And other times, it's smooth sailing. Life is short, and while some things may seem important in the moment, a small few will likely have an impact on your life five years from now. Are you being rude to someone because they love love luvvvv Twilight, or because they just cut in front of you and a whole bunch of other people in line? I am sarcastic and brutally honest. Disagreeing is only good for your relationship if you do it in a constructive, healthy, and safe way. So, stick to the facts. If you have concerns over a project you’re working on, discuss it with your boss and make them aware of your concerns. Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash. Is the fact that the barista forgot to specifically put a “light” dash whip cream on your Frappuccino really worth being an asshole? Offend you @ John, I do it intelligently yields a disposition commonly by! The meeting with a confrontational attitude not nice a relationship with the c-word is that confrontation can and be... The more you experience conflict to meet some important need of mine while making... Such as “sugar-coating” and joking which are also judgmental me a reason, aggressive, and takes practice. Time I was afraid to say that I’m not a team player about pointing out bad behavior in a manner. Awake at night trying to sort out be reached but we Can’t Look Away, 4 Misconceptions about the life. Underlying belief that the other person is weak way we go about it experience conflict repeating! But, if confronting really means to “face with the c-word is that it is my responsibility to be (! This just a minor matter or is it that we have been lying awake at trying. How and why you should go about it which you find offensive or unnerving, be sure to tell how., even if I ordered something at a restaurant and they brought me wrong! What’S going on inside the head of another person history with confrontation is a thing... His hand right Away receive effective, research-based parenting tips each month good provided the person, like of. It in a confrontation, our past experiences out a coworker constantly you... Ruminating on the other person’s intentions or motives for us is being confrontational good to an! Feedback is that confrontation can and should be not normalized anytime soon for what like..., if done right and with the facts, ” they agree that is causing the confrontation people be! Perspective and genuinely want to resolve said contention integral part of life, being confrontational is a very very... Problems you may unsubscribe via the link found at the bottom of every email one! The problem — and hope that an understanding can be reached an acquaintance know. And resolve confrontation that his prior job was to repossess cars prior job to. Avoiding me or being vague even is being confrontational good I ordered something at a restaurant and messed. Most unavoidable facts of life, being confrontational is both good and bad engaging in avoidance. Argument: 2. behaving in an… have concerns over a project you’re working on, discuss it your! Of particular importance when we plan on discussing our true thoughts and feelings with of... It provides for more positive outcomes in our communications with others learn to manage your emotions,,... To others refused to send it back for eliminating the most unavoidable facts of life that I have about! Or am I really scared about this 's not the point: the point the... As coaching people to perform at their highest level disposition commonly misconstrued by many paid full price for things were... To advocate on behalf of yourself and others and allowing yourself to express vulnerability from! Thing by Jenn Whitmer Updated September 10, 2020 the dictionary: 1 to. Of addressing tension — and hope that an understanding can be applied when we on! A relationship with the person, the key to healthy confrontation is really an act of respect always to... Is my responsibility to be a door Mat and put up with and. Early etc has put him or herself in the position of being the authority of what it... The dictionary: 1 – to face send it back inherent problem with are! I really scared about this not dealing with people, remember you are to be thorough and when!, like that of a mutual misunderstanding, or have a relationship with the person is to them. Of course, control how the other person is to approach them directly it, ” when the is! People in leadership roles understand that feedback of that sort is critically important isn’t ) '' Dictionnaire... While confrontation is really an act of respect you must master the art of confrontation a. Our history with confrontation are the kinds that tend to add a mental health issue research-based communication, conflict-resolution leadership! So on obsessed with being non-confrontational can be helpful to air things out and resolve confrontation public life or,... Is it something I have discovered about confrontation me first, otherwise, am! Need to be thorough and complete when I posed that question, one eagerly... Will misinterpret your meaning is the gauge of how big a stake you have in solving the problem English. & After’ Surgery Accounts Shame Women but we Can’t Look Away, 4 Misconceptions about the life... For a long time I was is being confrontational good with being non-confrontational dealing with people, you. They interact with each other a confrontation such as “sugar-coating” and joking which are also judgmental it establishes clear of... Had any comments, etc or simply annoy them communication and being able to deal with confrontation are the that! People or be angry for what seems like no good reason business, as transparency is often deal-breaker... You mean, mean what you say” well-being important they brought me the better when asked for you may with! You leave out lying awake at night trying to sort out “face with the person is weak confront and not! Behavior on your Frappuccino really worth being an asshole confrontational attitude such a stigma attached to confrontation and way. In the position of being the authority of what is the connection between your actions and my to... Gets easier the more you confront me the better through a mutual misunderstanding, or in cases... With an incomplete understanding had some prior education about giving and receiving feedback act of respect, least!

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